


Doubt Comes In

by heliocentricity



Category: The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin
Genre: Alternate Ending, Estraven gets the pronouns they deserve, Fix-It of Sorts, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 02:43:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heliocentricity/pseuds/heliocentricity
Summary: A reimagining of the penultimate chapter's final scene--because, honestly, these characters deserved better.





	Doubt Comes In

Several hours into their waiting, the sky darkened to an unforgiving black and Genly started to have second thoughts. The temperature was dropping fast, and he was sure his own discomfort was obvious. His teeth chattered like maracas, and frequent spasms of cold shot through his legs, locking his knees into place for splintering seconds. Estraven had to make a move soon, or else they would both risk freezing to death. 

Yet the bleaker the world around them grew, the more idiotic their plan seemed. True, Estraven couldn’t travel freely in Karhide anymore, but was it really necessary for them to sneak back into Orgota tonight of all nights? Surely, they could lie low together for a while longer, maybe even until Genly had managed to convince Argaven to rescind Estraven’s order of exile. No townspeople had to know Estraven’s identity unless they announced it, and it was easy enough to conceal a face and form in deep hooded furs. And if there were a rumor circulating about the former prime minister frequenting a small village near the border, well, then they would just have to move to a bigger city, one where it would be considerably easier for two faces to melt into the crowd. 

Regardless of what they did instead, suddenly anything seemed better than immediately crossing the border, where inspectors were waiting to arrest—if not shoot—Estraven, clear as day despite the darkness that enveloped the landscape. On the off-change Estraven survived the initial encounter, they might end up in a terrible place like Genly had all those months ago, where monotonous days of work were made bearable by the suppression of all feeling. In another, more likely, scenario, they would not even survive the trip to the camp. 

Overcome with an intensity he couldn’t quite explain, Genly felt he had to say something to Estraven and fast, before he lost his nerve. So, without thinking it through, he reached for Estraven’s arm and closed his fist around the thick fabric of their overcoat. 

It seemed the Gethenian had been about to make a dash for it, because they jolted at Genly’s touch and looked back as though they had been electrocuted, their tar-black eyes focusing on Genly in something like confusion.

“What?” they hissed, and Genly couldn’t tell if the crack in their voice was due to anger or relief. 

Genly didn’t let go of Estraven’s jacket as he said, “We don’t have to do this, Therem. Not now, at least. We can wait a few days, find a better place for you to cross. It’ll be safer that way.”

Estraven let out a small puff of laughter, which swirled before their mouth in a ghostly white cloud. 

Genly felt his eyebrows knit in consternation. “I’m serious!” he protested. 

Estraven regained their composure and replied evenly, “As am I.” 

They waited a moment, as though expecting Genly to concede the point, but when he showed no signs of backing down, they sighed and, speaking clearly and deliberately, explained, “You know as well as I the point of all this is getting you back to Karhide, in order to convince Argaven to join the Ekumen. Nothing more, nor less. I only fit into that plan to ensure you are in the correct place at the proper time.” 

Their gaze drifted somewhere behind Genly, to where a city lay burning softly in the distance. Their expression softened for a moment, but they quickly blinked the sentimentality away, so Genly wasn’t sure it had ever been there at all. 

“And now you are. . . Therefore, my role is finished. It’s up to you to see things through.”

“So what, you’re just going to invite the guards to shoot you now?” Without Genly realizing it, his voice had grown tall and shrill, bouncing off the blue-white snow bank surrounding them. 

Estraven shushed him reprovingly, hastily darting a covert glance over their shoulder to see if the guards had heard. Luckily, the sound hadn’t carried to where the inspectors were stationed, or, if it had, they had simply mistaken it for a small animal, nothing to be alarmed about.

“My job here is done, Genly,” Estraven insisted, fingers tightening around the poles of their skis. “If you would like me to accompany you into Ehrenrang so I can be shot there, that can be arranged as well.” They scowled. “Though I shudder to even imagine what being seen with me would do to your reputation.”

Genly gaped at Estraven’s blasé indifference to their own life and their certitude they would be facing death if it came to an encounter with other Karhidians. He felt his temper flare once more in the face of such emotional sterility, and it was all he could do to contain his voice to a whisper. 

“This isn’t about my reputation or your job, Therem. In fact, I couldn’t care less about those things! Don’t you realize, this is about you? About us? After everything we’ve been through. . . It can’t. . . It can’t just. . . “ He struggled to find the words but felt the cold sapping his fervor with each passing second. In the end, he exhaled long and slow, letting his arms fall limp in defeat. “I guess what I’m trying to say is. . . After everything we’ve been through. . . it can’t just end here.” 

Estraven shook their head sadly. There was something odd in their expression, which Genly had only seen once in a blue moon and had therefore never been able to properly identify. A slight fold of the lips, a subtle tilt to the brow. If Therem had been from Earth, like him, Genly might have assumed the look was desire.

And maybe it was, in a way. 

Maybe Estraven, like Genly, found their mind constantly pulled back to a frozen tundra, into a small bubble of warmth that was collapsed every morning with a groan and set up again every evening with a sigh. Although times had been rough, then, they had also been liberating. Most days, their progress was plain to see in the appreciable amount of miles they had trekked. On others, the main reward was the relieved exhale of their muscles, which finally got a much-needed, yet maddeningly temporary, reprieve after a grueling day of hard work. 

Perhaps Estraven and Genly could do the same thing tonight as they had done for the past few months together on the ice: pack up their tent for the day and try again in the morning, when things were brighter. It didn't matter they no longer owned the tent and were back in civilization; what mattered was they still had each other to wake up to. Perhaps that’s what the peculiar look on Estraven’s face signified: a desire for times past, current circumstances be damned. 

But when Estraven spoke, it became obvious they were not on the same page. Still shaking their head, they whispered, “Oh, Genly. Of course it can end here. Why shouldn’t it?”

For Genly, this was the last straw. Fatigue had worn away at his self-control for months, and he submitted completely to his emotions for the first time in what felt like years, his anger swelling again in full fury. Stomping one clumsy, ski-fastened boot into the pillow of snow beneath him, he whisper-yelled, “Because I don’t want it to!” 

Estraven blinked in surprise at the unfiltered passion behind his words but didn’t say anything in response. Genly, for his part, did not look like a suitable audience. He could still hear the blood roaring through his ears and feel his heart drumming a staccato rhythm somewhere in his throat. Taking advantage of Estraven’s undivided attention, he continued to speak. 

“Don’t you see?” he pressed. “We mean something to each other now, you and I. All that time traveling together on the ice, how could it be any different?” Anticipating a counterargument, he continued, “And of course I still care about my mission—of /course/ I still want this planet to be part of the Ekumen. . . But that’s not everything to me anymore. Because now I care about you, too. I /care/, Therem! And I don’t see the point of any of this if one of us has to complete the mission alone.” 

By the time Genly finished, his breaths were shallow and he was trembling, whether from nerves or the cold, he couldn’t tell. An anxious silence spread before him, as he awaited Estraven’s response. 

For several excruciating seconds, there was nothing, just a blank face in a soundless field, obscured by shadows and lit up from behind by stripes of searchlights.

Then, finally, there was movement. The corners of Estraven’s mouth twitched, and it took Genly several moments to realize his friend was struggling to suppress a smile.

“You do realize how foolish you are, right?”

Genly had no response to that; he just continued staring at Estraven with a look of utter perplexity, his eyes narrowed and his mouth slightly open, letting needles of cold pierce the soft lining of his throat. The silence continued, but something in it was considerably warmer, and Genly was no longer shivering. 

“Alright then,” said Estraven softly. They reached for Genly’s hand and pressed it lovingly. Genly felt a thrill climb up his spine at the intimate gesture. “Tell me what to do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! 
> 
> [warning SPOILERS ahead] I was very upset when I first finished this book, because I didn't see the logic behind Estraven's death. But writing this fic and trying to justify an alternate ending really helped me understand all the pressure Estraven was under at the time. 
> 
> If I ever figure out what these two would next in the situation I described, I will definitely write a second chapter for this! Until then, I hope this will stand alone well as a one-shot. 
> 
> Thanks again! <3
> 
> P.S. The title is a reference to the song "Doubt Comes In" from the musical Hadestown, which I totally recommend to anyone interested in Greek mythology and/or musicals.


End file.
